Famous and Not-so-famous Quotations

20 Ways to Maintain Your Mental Health

2008-06-24T15:55:00.000-04:00

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Smuggling Drugs".

7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-thru order is "To go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work are and play tropical sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name "Rock Bottom".

17. When money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling "Run for your lives! They're loose!"

19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy and gas prices, we are going to have to let one of you go."

20. Send this to someone else to make them smile. It's called therapy.

(from F. R.)

Watch Your Language

2008-02-05T16:09:00.000-05:00

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we startedcussing.'
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell'and you say something with 'ass'.'
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants forbreakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'
WHACK! He flies out of the chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs, crying his eyes out as his mother is in hot pursuit, slapping his rear at every step.
Mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can just stay there until Ilet you out!'
She comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks, in a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breafast, young man?'
'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios.'

(from M. K. R.)

The 36 Rules of Life

2007-12-19T13:49:00.000-05:00

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved it's full potential, that word would be "meetings."
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment
35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.
36. Your friends love you anyway.

(from F. R.)

Bottle of Wine - Evil Drives a Mini-van

2007-12-13T09:03:00.000-05:00

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers; the woman says, 'So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days'.

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God! But your still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cork back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police....'

MORAL OF THE STORY:Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with us.

(from R. I.)

SCHOOL 1977 vs. SCHOOL 2007

2007-11-09T09:38:00.000-05:00

Scenario: Jack goes duck hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1977- Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.

2007 - School goes into lockdown, the Feds and ATF are called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1977- Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2007- Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra district funding because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1977- Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.

1977 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is ex pelled from school for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high-school English.

1977- Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Lawyers file class action lawsuit against the public school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing law ns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover 4th of July firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1977- Ants die.

2007 - FBI are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. They investigate his parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1977- Johnny soon feels better and goes bac k to p laying.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.

(from Dr. L)

2007 Nobel Prize in Literature Winner

2007-10-11T08:34:00.000-04:00

"that epicist of the female experience, who with scepticism, fire and visionary power has subjected a divided civilisation to scrutiny"

Doris Lessing
United Kingdom

2007 Nobel Prize in Chemistry Winner

2007-10-10T16:07:00.000-04:00

"for his studies of chemical processes on solid surfaces"

Gerhard Ertl
Fritz-Haber-Institut der Max-Planck-Gesellschaft
Berlin, Germany

2007 Nobel Prize in Physics Winners

2007-10-09T10:09:00.000-04:00

"for the discovery of Giant Magnetoresistance"

Albert Fert
Université Paris-Sud; Unité Mixte de Physique
CNRS/THALES
Orsay, France

Peter Grünberg
Forschungszentrum Jülich
Jülich, Germany

2007 Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine Winners

2007-10-08T12:58:00.000-04:00

"for their discoveries of principles for introducing specific gene modifications in mice by the use of embryonic stem cells"

Mario R. Capecchi
University of Utah
Howard Hughes Medical Institute
Salt Lake City, UT
USA

Sir Martin J. Evans
Cardiff University
Cardiff, United Kingdom

Oliver Smithies
University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill
Chapel Hill, NC
USA

My Living Will

2007-09-28T11:06:00.000-04:00

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.

(from F. R.)

CREATIVE WRITING

2007-09-17T09:09:00.000-04:00

A professional genealogical researcher discovered that Hillary Rodham Clinton had a great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, who was hanged for horse stealing and multiple train robberies in Montana in1889. The only known photograph of Uncle Remus shows him standing on the gallows.

When a reporter asked about Hillary Clinton's great-great Uncle Remus, her spokesman responded:

'Ms Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory, well know for his extensive railroad connections. In 1889, Remus Rodham passed away during a civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.'

(from E. K.)

A Love Of Laughter

2007-09-13T10:05:00.000-04:00

"Laughter is by definition healthy." ~Doris Lessing

"Man is distinguished from all other creatures by the faculty of laughter." ~Joseph Addison

"You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants." ~Stephen King

"You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing." ~Michael Pritchard

"Laughter is the closest distance between two people." ~Victor Borge

"I was irrevocable betrothed to laughter, the sound of which has always seems to me to be the most civilized music in the world." ~Peter Ustinov

"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter." ~Mark Twain

From the Mouth of Antoine de Saint-Exupery

2007-08-30T14:23:00.000-04:00

"One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes."

"Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction."

"You become responsible forever for what you have tamed."

"A goal without a plan is just a wish."

"Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away."

"What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step. It is always the same step, but you have to take it."

"In giving you are throwing a bridge across the chasm of your solitude."

"Love is not thinking, but being."

"Very often the essential is weightless. Here the essential seems to have been merely a smile. A smile is often the most essential thing. One is repaid by a smile. One is rewarded by a smile. One is animated by a smile."

"Even our misfortunes are a part of our belongings."

"Behind all seen things lies something vaster; everything is but a path, a portal, or a window opening on something other than itself."

Hospital Charts

2007-07-16T09:23:00.000-04:00

Actual writings from hospital charts:

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

(from T. L.)

Thankfulness

2007-07-13T16:05:00.000-04:00

I AM THANKFUL:

For the wife who says it's hot dogs tonight, because she is home with me and not out with someone else.

For the husband who is on the sofa being a couch potato, because he is home with me and not out at the bars.

For the teenager who is complaining about doing the dishes, because it means she is at home, not on the streets.

For the taxes I pay, because it means I am employed.

For the mess to clean after a party, because it means I have been surrounded by friends.

For the clothes that fit a little too snug, because it means I have enough to eat.

For my shadow that watches me work, because it means I am out in the sunshine.

For a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters that need fixing, because it means I have a home.

For all the complaining I hear about the government, because it means we have freedom of speech.

For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot, because it means I am capable of walking and I have been blessed with transportation.

For my huge heating bill, because it means I am warm.

For the lady behind me in church who sings off key, because it means I can hear.

For the pile of laundry and ironing, because it means I have clothes to wear.

For the weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day, because it means I have been capable of working hard.

For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours, because it means I am alive.

(from T. T.)

What Woody Allen had to say about death and dying...

2007-07-10T14:17:00.000-04:00

"On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down."

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying."

"It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune."

"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?"

"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."

Words of Wisdom for Raising Children

2007-06-27T11:48:00.000-04:00

Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves your midsection open. ~Robert Orben

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. ~Phyllis Diller

The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant--and let the air out of the tires. ~Dorothy Parker

You know children are growing up when they start asking questions that have answers. ~John J. Plomp

Level with your child by being honest. Nobody spots a phony quicker than a child. ~Mary MacCraken

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying. ~Fran Lebowitz

Chinese Proverbs

2007-06-14T14:03:00.000-04:00

"Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime."

"Teachers open the door. You enter by yourself."

"The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without trials."

"Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still."

"A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song."

"He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever."

"To know the road ahead, ask those coming back."

"A book is like a garden carried in the pocket."

"The palest ink is better than the best memory."

"A child's life is like a piece of paper on which every person leaves a mark."

"When you have only two pennies left in the world, buy a loaf of bread with one, and a lily with the other."

"Do not remove a fly from your friend's forehead with a hatchet."

"When you drink the water, remember the spring."

"If heaven made him, earth can find some use for him."

The Little Things

2007-06-07T09:59:00.000-04:00

As you might know, the head of a company survived 9/11 because his son started kindergarten.

Another fellow was alive because it was his turn to bring donuts.

One woman was late because her alarm clock didn't go off in time.

One was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike because of an auto accident.

One of them missed his bus.

One spilled food on her clothes and had to take time to change.

One's car wouldn't start.

One couldn't get a taxi.

The one that struck me was the man who put on a new pair of shoes that morning, took the various means to get to work but before he got there, he developed a blister on his foot. He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid. That is why he is alive today.

Now when I am stuck in traffic, miss an elevator, turn back to answer a ringing telephone... all the little things that annoy me, I think to myself, "This is exactly where God wants me to be at this very moment."

Next time your morning seems to be going wrong, the children are slow getting dressed, you can't seem to find the car keys, you hit every traffic light, don't get mad or frustrated. It may be just that God is at work watching over you.

(from T. L.)

An Ode to Books

2007-06-04T14:58:00.000-04:00

"A room without books is like a body without a soul." ~Cicero

"Properly, we should read for power. Man reading should be man intensely alive. The book should be a ball of light in one's hand." ~Ezra Pound

"Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counsellors, and the most patient of teachers." ~Charles W. Eliot

"Woe be to him that reads but one book." ~George Herbert

"Be as careful of the books you read, as of the company you keep; for your habits and character will be as much influenced by the former as by the latter." ~Paxton Hood

From the Mouth of Douglas Adams

2007-05-31T13:45:00.000-04:00

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be."

"Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so."

"He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped there wasn't an afterlife."

"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."

"He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it."

"You live and learn. At any rate you live."

"Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws."

"The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair."

"He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which."

Church Bulletin Misreads

2007-05-23T14:45:00.000-04:00

Church Bulletins: Thank God for the church ladies who type them. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services...

The Fasting & Prayers Conference - includes meals.

~~~

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks On Water"

The sermon tonight: "Searching For Jesus"

~~~

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

~~~

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today was canceled due to a conflict.

~~~

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

~~~

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

~~~

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

~~~

Next Thursday will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

~~~

The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."

~~~

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

~~~

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

~~~

Eight new choirs robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some old ones.

~~~

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

~~~

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility.

~~~

Potluck supper Sunday at 5 P.M. - prayer and medication to follow.

~~~

Ladies Bibe Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 A.M. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

~~~

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the Pancake Breakfast next Sunday.

~~~

The Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 P.M. Please use the back door.

~~~

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement Friday at 7 P.M. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

~~~

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 P.M. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

~~~

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: " I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

(from C. F.)

From the Mouth of Nathaniel Hawthorne

2007-05-09T15:34:00.000-04:00

"I cannot endue to waste anything as precious as autumn sunshine by staying in the house. So I spend almost all the daylight hours in the open air."

"What other dungeon is so dark as one's own heart! What jailer so inexorable as one's self!"

"The world owes all its onward impulses to men ill at ease. The happy man inevitably confines himself within ancient limits."

"For my own part, having had much trouble in growing old, I am in no hurry to grow young again."

"Words -- so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them."

"No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be true."

"Happiness is as a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but which if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."

"What is called poetic insight is the gift of discerning, in this sphere of strangely mingled elements, the beauty and the majesty which are compelled to assume a garb so sordid."

The Phone Call

2007-04-30T09:03:00.000-04:00

"Hello?"
"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
***Brief Pause***
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

(from Dr. W)

They Walk Among Us

2007-04-20T08:51:00.000-04:00

I walked into a Blimpie's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already buy-one-get-one-free,' she said, 'so I guess they're both free.' She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.

They walk among us and many work retail.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where?'

They Walk among us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.'

They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, 'The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.' He responded, 'Is that Eastern or Pacific time?' Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, 'Uh, Pacific.'

They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'has your plane arrived yet?'

They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'

Yep, They Walk Among Us!

AND........ they reproduce!

(from M. K. R.)

Presidential Candidates

2007-04-02T10:47:00.000-04:00

Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards were flying to a convention.
Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."
John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."

(from Dr. L)

Witty Remarks

2007-03-22T14:49:00.000-04:00

If I walked on water, there are some people who would say, "See, he can't swim." ~Senator John Thune (R-SD)

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car. ~Evan Davis

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. ~Steven Wright

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers. ~Daniel J. Boorstin

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of protraits by Picasso. ~Ruth Rudner

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. ~Winston Churchill

Work is the curse of the drinking classes. ~Oscar Wilde

From the Mouth of Robert Frost

2007-03-21T13:18:00.000-04:00

"Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length."

"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."

"A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer."

"The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work."

"Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence."

"The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them"

Pet Points-of-View

2007-03-16T11:01:00.000-04:00

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

(from J. B.)

God Love The Irish

2007-03-14T11:05:00.000-04:00

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do, Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees." "Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?" "She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'"

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?" Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?" "Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

(from R. I.)

TAXES WHAT HAPPENED?

2007-03-09T11:47:00.000-05:00

Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed.

Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule.

Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.

Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.

Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.

Tax his cigars,
Tax his beers,
If he cries, then
Tax his tears.

Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass.

Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Till he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers,
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore.

Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid.

Put these words
upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove me
to my doom..."

When he's gone,
Do not relax,
Its time to apply
The inheritance tax.

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Excise Taxes
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel permit tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Gross Receipts Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest expense
Inventory tax
IRS Interest Charges IRS {Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Personal Property Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road usage taxes
Sales Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone federal excise tax
Telephone federal universal service fee tax
Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes
Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
Telephone state and local tax
Telephone usage charge tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

(from Dr. W)

A Few Quotes on Doubt

2007-03-08T15:39:00.000-05:00

Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. ~Abraham Lincoln

We were all born with wings. In times of doubt spread them. ~Unknown

In case of doubt it is best to lean to the side of mercy. ~Legal Proverb

Truth is beautiful, without doubt but so are lies. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Doubt yourself and you doubt everything you see. Judge yourself and you see judges everywhere. But... if you listen to the sound of your own voice, you can rise above doubt and judgment. And you can see forever. When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder. ~James H. Boren

(from F. R.)

Creation

2007-03-05T14:18:00.000-05:00

One day God was walking through the garden of Eden. After a short while,he came across Adam. Adam was in low spirits this particular day, and Godasked him what was wrong. Adam told the Lord that he was lonely.

God responded that He would create Adam a companion. She would walk byhis side for all eternity. She would listen to his problems. She would washhis clothes. She would keep his house clean. She would cook his meals. Shewould do anything to keep him happy. Most importantly, she would nevercomplain or nag him.

To this Adam was ecstatic. His spirits lifted immediately. The Lordhated to tell him that this creature would come at a price. God told Adamthat the creature would cost him an arm and a leg.

Adam responded, "What can I get for a rib?" ... And the rest is history.

(from F. R.)

Dear Abby Column

2007-02-21T16:26:00.000-05:00

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and talks with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like one.

(from C. R.)

New Living Will Form

2007-02-13T12:51:00.000-05:00

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

______a Martini

______a Manhattan

______a Single Malt

______a Bloody Mary

______a Vodka and Tonic

______a glass of Chardonnay

______a Steak

______Lobster or crab legs

______The remote control

______a bowl of ice cream

______The sports page

______Chocolate

______Sex

It should be presumed that I won't ever get any better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.

Signature: ___________________________

Date: ___________________________

(from A. V.)

T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T

2007-02-09T11:54:00.000-05:00

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled, and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain, 'T-G-I-F' means "Thank Goodness It's Friday". Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, 'S-H-I-T' means "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday".

(from Dr. W)

In honor of New York Fashion Week...

2007-02-06T13:20:00.000-05:00

Fashion is something that goes in one year and comes out the other. ~Unknown

I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. ~Gilda Radner

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. ~Oscar Wilde

Things you'd love to say out loud at work....

2007-02-05T14:12:00.000-05:00

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

Pick Your Favorite and Go For It!

(from C. R.)

Origami butterfly

2007-02-02T11:58:00.000-05:00

Attitude

2007-02-02T11:41:00.000-05:00

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head. "Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today?" So she did and she had a wonderful day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head. "H-M-M," she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today?" So she did and she had a grand day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head. "Well," she said, "today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail." So she did and she had a fun, fun day.
The next day she woke up , looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head. "YEA!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"
Attitude is everything.

(from F. R.)

A Horse Funny

2007-01-24T15:34:00.000-05:00

Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and sure enough the blessed horse came in first!

Charlie followed the priest before the next race, and again he went to the stables and performed a similar procedure. Charlie played a hunch and put a couple of dollars on the blessed horse. Sure enough, the blessed horse came in by two lengths, and Charlie won close to fifty bucks!

The priest continued the same procedure through the next few races, and Charlie won each time. He was now ahead $1,000, so between races Charlie left the track and went to the bank and withdrew his life's savings, $20,000.

The biggest race of the day was the last one. Charlie followed the priest and watched carefully which horse he blessed. He then went to the betting window and put his whole $21,000 bundle of cash on that horse to win.

Then Charlie went out to watch the horses race. Down the stretch they came, and as they crossed the finish line, the horse Charlie's fortune was bet on was dead last!

Charlie was crushed. He located the priest and told him that he had been watching him bless the horses all day, and they all became winners except the last horse on which he had bet his life savings. Charlie then asked, "What happened to the last horse that you blessed? Why didn't it win like the others?"

"That's the trouble with you Protestants," sighed the priest. "You can never tell the difference between a blessing and the last rites."

(from F. R.)

Just in Vermont

2007-01-22T16:08:00.000-05:00

The owner of a golf course in Vermont was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Vermont, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings." You gotta love them women from Vermont.
--------------------------------
A group of Vermont friends went deer hunting and paired off in two's for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Bob?" the others asked. "Bob had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Bob laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Bob!
-----------------------------------
Regarding the year 2000, a senior at University of Vermont was overheard saying "when the end of the world comes, I hope to be in "Vermont." When asked why, he stated that everything happens here 20 years later than the rest of the civilized world.
--------------------------------------
The young Vermont man came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Elmer, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Elmer replied, "Did you see who it was?" The young fella answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
--------------------------------------
A Vermont State trooper pulled over a pickup on Rt. 100. The trooper asked, "Got any ID? "The driver replied, "Bout whut?

(from T. L.)

Are You Ready for Children?

2007-01-16T09:40:00.000-05:00

Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

( from O. B.)

Holiday Eating Tips

2006-12-06T10:11:00.000-05:00

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have SOME standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO what a ride!"

(from C. R.)

I'll Be Home For Christmas

2006-12-04T17:37:00.000-05:00

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay" he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."

(from Dr. W)

AGENDA FOR THE DEMOCRAT NATIONAL CONVENTION, 2008

2006-11-02T15:16:00.000-05:00

Just Released:
Agenda for the Democratic National Convention for 2008

7:00 P.M. Opening flag burning ceremony.
7:15 P.M. Pledge of allegiance to U.N.
7:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
7:30 till 8:00 P.M. Nonreligious prayer and worship. Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton.
8:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:05 P.M. Ceremonial tree hugging.
8:15- 8:30 P.M. Gay Wedding-- Barney Frank Presiding.
8:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:35 P.M. Free Saddam Rally. Cindy Sheehan-- Susan Sarandon.
9:00 P.M. Keynote speech. The proper etiquette for surrender-- French President Jacques Chirac
9:15 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
9:20 P.M. Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund
9:30 P.M. Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo Bay .. Sean Penn
9:40 P.M. Why I hate the Military, A short talk by William Jefferson Clinton
9:45 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
9:50 P.M. Dan Rather presented Truth in Broadcasting award, presented by Michael Moore
9:55 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
10:00 P.M. How George bush and Donald Rumsfeld brought down the World Trade Center Towers-- Howard Dean
10:30 P.M. Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Mahmud Ahn adinejad
11:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
11:05 P.M. Al Gore reinvents Internet
11:15 P.M. Our Troops are War criminals-- John Kerry
11:30 P.M. Coronation Of Mrs. Rodham Clinton
12:00 A.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
12:05 A.M. Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home

(from F. R.)

Vocabulary Spin

2006-10-31T17:54:00.000-05:00

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity....

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to start speaking?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

(from Dr. W)

$100

2006-10-23T14:30:00.000-04:00

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to "God , USA" they decided to send it to the President. The President was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.

(from Dr. W)

Nobel Prize Winners for Literature and Peace

2006-10-17T16:07:00.000-04:00

LITERATURE:

Orhan Pamuk
Turkey

PEACE:

Muhammad Yunus
Bangladesh
Founder of Grameen Bank

Grameen Bank
Dhaka, Bangladesh
Founded in 1976

Nobel Prize for Literature Announcement Schedule

2006-10-09T13:37:00.000-04:00

The announcement of the Nobel Prize in Literature from the Swedish Academy, Stockholm, Sweden, starts 1:00 p.m. CET (at the earliest), Thursday, October 12.

Nobel Prize Winner for Economics

2006-10-09T13:35:00.000-04:00

Edmund S. Phelps
Columbia University
New York, NY, USA

The Husband Store

2006-10-04T17:15:00.000-04:00

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still......
She goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but dhe goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists
solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

(from C. M.)

Nobel Prize Winner for Chemistry

2006-10-04T13:30:00.000-04:00

Roger D. Kornberg
Stanford University
Stanford, CA, USA

Nobel Prize Winners for Medicine and Physics

2006-10-03T13:48:00.000-04:00

MEDICINE:

Andrew Z. Fire
Stanford University School of Medicine
Stanford, CA, USA

Craig C. Mello
University of Massachusetts Medical School
Worcester, MA, USA

PHYSICS:

John C. Mather
NASA Goddard Space Flight Center
Greenbelt, MD, USA

George F. Smoot
University of California
Berkeley, CA, USA

Change is Good

2006-10-02T17:39:00.000-04:00

Change is the constant, the signal for rebirth, the egg of the phoenix. --Christina Baldwin

Change your thoughts and you change your world. --Norman Vincent Peale

Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me. --Carol Burnett

Nothing endures but change. --Heraclitus

We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves. --Lynn Hall

They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself. --Andy Warhol

It's not that some people have willpower and some don't. It's that some people are ready to change and others are not. --James Gordon

Things do not change; we change. --Henry James Thoreau

The universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it. --Marcus Aurelius Antoninus

Schedule for 2006 Nobel Prize Announcements

2006-10-02T13:45:00.000-04:00

Physiology or Medicine - October 2, 11:30 a.m. CET (at the earliest)

Physics - October 3, 11:45 a.m. CET (at the earliest)

Chemistry - October 4, 11:45 a.m. CET (at the earliest)

Economics - October 9, 1:00 p.m. CET (at the earliest)

Peace - October 13, 11:00 a.m. CET (at the earliest)

The announcement date for the Nobel Prize in Literature will be posted later.

Camping with Scoutmaster Webb (Don't Worry Mom, it's Just Humor)

2006-09-27T18:39:00.000-04:00

Dear Mom and Dad,

We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast.

I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightening... Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Mom, did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is sure going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that with a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insuranceon it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty,and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with ten people in a car.

He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Fred how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.

He has to spend a lot of time working on his car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our firstaid class and got merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also, Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.

I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love,
your son

P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

(from F. R.)

ABC's of Economics

2006-08-31T17:47:00.000-04:00

A is for Assets
B is for Budget
C is for Capital
D is for Demand
E is for Elasticity
F is for Flotation
G is for GNP
H is for Hedge
I is for Inflation
J is for J-curve
K is for Keynesian
L is for Labour
M is for Monopoly
N is for NPV
O is for Output
P is for Price
Q is for Quota
R is for Risk
S is for Supply
T is for Trade
U is for Utility
V is for Value
W is for Wages
X is for X-efficiency
Y is for Yield
Z is for Zero-sum Game

The Sound of Silence

2006-08-30T14:28:00.000-04:00

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech. ~Martin Fraquhar Tupper

Silence is golden when you can't think of a good answer. ~Muhammad Ali

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence. ~Publilius Syrus

Silence is a text easy to misread. ~A. A. Attanasio

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. ~Abraham Lincoln

Silence is more musical than any song. ~Christina Rossetti

The most profound statements are often said in silence. ~Lynn Johnston

A good word is an easy obligation; but not to speak ill, requires only our silence, which costs nothing. ~John Tillotson

In the end we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

In silence man can most readily preserve his integrity. ~Meister Eckhart

It is a great thing to know the season for speech and the season for silence. ~Seneca

Things to remember about traveling...

2006-08-22T19:25:00.000-04:00

He who would travel happily must travel light. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

No one traveling on a business trip would be missed if he failed to arrive. ~Thorstein Veblen

Traveling is only glamorous in retrospect. ~Paul Theroux

A man travels the world in search of what he needs and returns home to find it. ~George Moore

Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything. ~Charles Kuralt

The true traveler is he who goes on foot, and even then, he sits down a lot of the time. ~Colette

When you travel, remember that a foreign country is not designed to make you comfortable. It is designed to make its own people comfortable. ~Clifton Fadiman

The saying "Getting there is half the fun" became obsolete with the advent of commercial airlines. ~Henry J. Tillman

Fallen Heros

2006-08-21T15:31:00.000-04:00

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning, Pastor," the boy replied, still focused on the plaque. Then he asked, "Pastor, what is this?"

The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked:"Which service: the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

(from Dr. W)

Life is...

2006-08-17T16:11:00.000-04:00

Life is like playing a violin in public and learing the instrument as one goes on. ~Samuel Butler

Life is something everyone should try at least once. ~Henry J. Tillman

Life is a foreign language; all men mispronounce it. ~Christopher Morley

Life is something that happens when you can't sleep. ~Fran Lebowitz

Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act. ~Truman Capote

Life is a zoo in a jungle. ~Peter De Vries

Life is just a mirror, and what you see out there, you must first see inside of you. ~Wally Amos

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome. ~Issac Asimov

Life is a fatal complaint, and an eminently contagious one. ~Oliver Wendell Holmes

How To Install A Home Security System In The South

2006-08-16T10:53:00.000-04:00

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and your NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

(from Dr. W)

Jizai okimono

2006-08-15T12:24:00.000-04:00

God's Paintbrush at Work

2006-08-14T19:26:00.000-04:00

Satan's Sister

2006-08-08T19:54:00.000-04:00

Just minutes before the church services started the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't" said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony forever?"
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 45 years."

(from C. R.)

Green Garden Grass Snakes

2006-08-07T17:21:00.000-04:00

Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants, and during a cold snap, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants, and when it warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. Her husband, who was getting dressed after a shower, ran out into the living room in his boxer shorts to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in and loaded him on a stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa.The emergency medical technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he wound up in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking around under the sofa. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was again called, and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went into the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken brawl had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Just then the snake crawled out from under the sofa. One of the policeman drew his revolver and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of an end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered, and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who, startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid hitting the dog and smashed into the parked police car, setting it on fire. Meanwhile, the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was ablaze. Neighbors had called the fire department, and the arriving fire truck had started raising its ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and caused the electricity to go out, and also disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area. Time passed... Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was rebuilt, the police acquired a new police car, and all was right with the world once again.

About a year later, the couple was watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

She shot him.

(from F. R.)

Martha vs. Maxine

2006-08-01T19:01:00.000-04:00

*Martha's Way*
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

*Maxine's Way *
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!

*Martha's Way*
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

*Maxine's Way *
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix, keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

*Martha's Way*
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

*Maxine's Way *
Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.

*Martha's Way*
If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."

*Maxine's Way *
If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"

*Martha's Way*
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

*Maxine's Way *
Celery? Never heard of it!

*Martha's Way*
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

*Maxine's Way *
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.

*Martha's Way*
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away!

*Maxine's Way *
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

*Martha's Way*
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

*Maxine's Way *
Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

*Martha's Way*
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

*Maxine's Way *
Leftover wine??????????? HELLO !!!!!!!

(from F. R.)

Southerners

2006-07-31T19:05:00.000-04:00

One morning, three Southerners and three Yankees were in a ticket counter line at a train station. The three Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the three Southerners bought just one ticket."How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the Yankees."Watch and learn," answered one of the boys from the South.All six boarded the train where the three Yankees sat down, but the three Southerners crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, "Ticket, please.The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment, the three Southerners didn't buy even one ticket."How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked a perplexed Yankee."Watch and learn," answered the three Southern boys in unison. When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into a toilet and the three Southerners crammed into another toilet just down the way.Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Yankees were hiding.The Southerner knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees ever won the war!

(from Dr. L)

HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT

2006-07-26T19:38:00.000-04:00

HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT

in January 2009

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has waited so long..........

The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears..
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

(from C. R.)

A Touching Story

2006-07-21T17:19:00.000-04:00

A man was on vacation in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot. As carefully and as gently as he could he removed the thorn and the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the events of that day. One day the man was walking through the zoo with his son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. It stared at him and the man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him. The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, gently reached down with its trunk, picked the man up and slammed him to the ground killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.

(from R. I.)

To Those I Love

2006-07-13T18:35:00.000-04:00

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour?" She would gas up and stammer, "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain." And my personal favorite: "It's Monday." She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to," "I plan on," and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit."

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.

Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to......not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow." And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say "Hi"?

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift...Thrown away... Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.

(from C. R.)

LEARNING CHINESE... READ THEM OUT LOUD

2006-07-11T15:53:00.000-04:00

That's not right. = Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive? = Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP. = Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man = Dum Gai

Small Horse = Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? = Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table. = Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face-lift. = Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here. = Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet. = Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone. = No Pah King

You are not very bright. = Yu So Dum

I got this for free = Ai No Pei

Please stay a while longer. = Wai Go Nao?

They have arrived. = Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight. = Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile. = Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive. = Yu Stin Ki Pu

Our meeting was scheduled for next week. = Wai Yu Kum Nao?

Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? = Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

(from F. R.)

Discrimination Lawsuit

2006-07-10T16:39:00.000-04:00

An atheist was quite incensed over the preparation for Easter andPassover holidays and decided to contact the local ACLU about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while the atheists had no holidays for them to celebrate. The ACLU jumped on the opportunity to once again pick up the cause of the downtrodden and assigned their sharpest attorney to the case. The case was brought up before a learned judge who, after listening to the passionate presentation by the ACLU representative, promptly banged his gavel and said, "Case dismissed!" The ACLU lawyer stood up and objected to the ruling and said, "Your honor, how can you dismiss this case? Surely the Christians have Christmas, Easter, and many other observances. And the Jews--why, in addition to Passover, they have Yom Kippur and Hanukkah ... and yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!" The judge leaned back in his chair and simply said, "Obviously your client is too confused to know about or for that matter even celebrate the atheists' holiday!" The ACLU lawyer pompously said, "We are aware of no such holiday for atheists--just when might that be?" The judge said "Well, it comes every year at the same time--April 1st!"

(from C. R.)

Donald MacDonald

2006-07-07T10:06:00.000-04:00

I heard a story recently about a student named Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (in Scotland) who was admitted into the prestigious OxfordUniversity and was living in the hall of residence in his first year there. His clan was so excited that one of their own had made it into the upper class of education, but they were concerned how he would do in "that strange land." After the first month, his mother came to visit. "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. "Mother," he replied in his thick brogue, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and he won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night." "Oh, Donald! How do you manage to put up with those awful noisy English neighbors?" "Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes..."

(from C. R.)

Other outlooks

2006-07-06T16:22:00.000-04:00

A Texan, a guy from Massachusetts, and a Mainer are riding horses out on the range...

The Texan, just to show off, pulls an expensive bottle of whiskey out of his saddlebag, takes a couple drinks, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it in mid-air. The guy from Massachusetts is shocked and asks, "What are you doing? That's a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!" The Texan replies, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap!"

A little while later, not wanting to be outdone, the guy from Massachusetts pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle into air, pulls out his gun and shoots it, just like the Texan.

The guy from Maine can't believe it. "What are you doing? That was a very expensive bottle of champagne. With a wink to the Texan he says "In Boston, there's plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap."

About 15 minutes later, the Mainer pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it and takes a sip. Then another sip. Then he chugs the rest of the bottle.

Then he places the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun and shoots the guy from Massachusetts.

The Texan is visibly shaken.

"What did you do that for?!?!" The Mainer replies, "Well, in Maine, we have plenty of people from Massachusetts, and bottles are returnable.

(from C. R.)

Employee Performance Evaluations

2006-06-29T15:48:00.000-04:00

These are actual quotes taken from federal government employee performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottomand has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

(from Dr. W)

How do these people survive?

2006-06-27T18:40:00.000-04:00

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT

Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him to emergency!

(from Dr. W)

Frederic Bastiat

2006-06-27T15:37:00.000-04:00

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

Understanding Engineers

2006-06-23T13:42:00.000-04:00

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
--------------------------------------------
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
---------------------------------------------
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" Thedoctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
--------------------------------------------
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.
--------------------------------------------
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
------------------------------------------
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
---------------------------------------------
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
---------------------------------------------
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

(from C. R.)

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke

2006-03-17T17:00:00.000-05:00

An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding at the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

Ideas About God

2006-03-13T18:20:00.000-05:00

A homeschool mom asked her kids to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God. Here are some of the results:

God is like..BAYER ASPIRIN
He works miracles.

God is like...a FORD
He's got a better idea.

God is like...COKE
He's the real thing.

God is like...HALLMARK CARDS
He cares enough to send His very best.

God is like...TIDE
He gets the stains out that others leave behind.

God is like...GENERAL ELECTRIC
He brings good things to life.

God is like...SEARS
He has everything.

God is like...ALKA-SELTZER
Try him, you'll like Him.

God is like...SCOTCH TAPE
You can't see him, but you know He's there.

God is like...DELTA
He's ready when you are.

God is like...ALLSTATE
You're in good hands with Him.

God is like...VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.

God is like...DIAL SOAP
Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?

God is like...the US. POST OFFICE
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.

(from C. R.)

PCSD

2006-03-09T17:11:00.000-05:00

I myself suffer from PCSD (Politically Correct Stress Disorder), everyday is a constant worry.
The following is an examination of conscience for those struck with PSCD:
Was the chicken I ate a free range chicken or was it one raised in captivity?
Was the coffee I drank non fair-trade coffee?
Did I adequately reflect that I was living in a nation stolen from the Indians and built on the backs of slaves today?
How large did the ozone hole get when I cranked up my air-conditioning?
How many nonrenewable resources have I recently gone through?
Have I committed a mortal sin by driving a car with an internal combustion engine?
Did I think that Western Civilization was actually a good thing?
Did I condemn or think that same sex marriages were not beneficial?
Did I not repeat the mantra of choice, choice, choice over and over again?
Did I have the audacity to use a Styrofoam cup?
Did I place babies in the womb above whales and dolphins?
Did I not trust in Government to solve all of my problems?
Was I uncharitable by not not wishing that the rich were taxed more?
Did I not curse vouchers for sucking the lifes-breath out of our awesome public schools system?
Did I think that males and females are fundamentally different and not interchangeable?
Did I not say amen after a Hollywood celebrity pontificated?
Did I think that George W. Bush was actually legally elected President?
Have I not felt guilty for what a distant relative might have done today?
Do I miss the fair and balanced reporting of Bryant Gumbel?
Did I not think that Rush Limbaugh and talk radio is the scourge of humanity?
Did I rely on reason and not emotion to come to an opinion?

(from F. R.)

From the Pope

2006-03-03T12:37:00.000-05:00

A quote from Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger before he became pope:

"I have a mustard seed; and I'm not afraid to use it."

(from F. R.)

Why Parents Drink !!!

2006-02-28T18:50:00.000-05:00

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle: "ME."

(from C. R.)

Time off

2006-02-16T14:04:00.000-05:00

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted crazy then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (an airhead) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was nuts and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the airhead) followed me, the Boss asked her: "And where do you think you're going?"

(You're gonna love this..... )

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

(from C. R.)

How Do Customer Service People Keep A Straight Face?

2006-02-08T15:58:00.000-05:00

Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet...it's still on my desk... sorry....

Tech support: Click on the "my computer" icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen, pal -- don't start getting technical on me! I'm notBill Gates!

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every timeI try, it says, "Can't find printer." I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can'tfind it...

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged in to the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work.

Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter "a" in the address, but how do I getthe circle around it?

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with herprinter.
Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printeris working fine.

And last but not least:....
Tech support: Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P" ... on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

(from C. R.)

Is it the NFL or is it the NBA?

2006-02-07T18:02:00.000-05:00

36 have been accused of spousal abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad checks

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71, repeat 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 currently are defendants in lawsuits

84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

(from Dr. W)

You might be a Redneck if...

2006-01-26T17:23:00.000-05:00

1. It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God."
2. You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
3. You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival".
4. You remove your hat and bow your head when anyone prays.
5. You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play our National Anthem.
6. You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.
7. You've never burned an American flag, but would kick someone's BUTT that did.
8. You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.
9 You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.
10. You'd give your last dollar to a friend.

(from Dr. L)

Travel Agent

2006-01-25T16:54:00.000-05:00

I have been a Travel Agent in Washington for thirty years, and I believe I have an answer as to why this country is in trouble! Consider these examples:

I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained,"Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response, (click).

A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that in Orlando it is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!"

I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."

An aide for a Bush (41) cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a.m. and got into Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that is very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I 'looked into it' (I was actually laughing)I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL, in a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!"

A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations. "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was one of those big animals!" she said.

Now you know why the government is in this shape it is in.

(from C. R.)

A Puzzled Blonde

2006-01-19T18:29:00.000-05:00

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then...", he sighed, "Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."

THE AIR-CONDITIONING CURSE

2006-01-13T17:36:00.000-05:00

"(Thomas) Jefferson believed that 'no man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session,' so he wisely insisted that the capital be built in malarial swampland. Consequently, the seat of the government remained empty for nearly half the year. Today, thanks in part to the unintended consequences of air-conditioning, we have permanent government of career politicians, a thing the founders never intended and which sees no natural boundary to its authority."

- Columnist Jonah Goldberg

PCSD Examination of Conscience

2006-01-12T17:34:00.000-05:00

The following is an examination of conscience for those struck with PSCD (Politically Correct Stress Disorder):

Was the chicken I ate a free range chicken or was it one raised in captivity?
Was the coffee I drank non fair-trade coffee?
Did I adequately reflect that I was living in a nation stolen from the Indians and built on the backs of slaves today?
How large did the ozone hole get when I cranked up my air-conditioning?
How many nonrenewable resources have I recently gone through?
Have I committed a mortal sin by driving a car with an internal combustion engine?
Did I think that Western Civilization was actually a good thing?
Did I condemn or think that same sex marriages were not beneficial?
Did I not repeat the mantra of choice, choice, choice over and over again?
Did I have the audacity to use a Styrofoam cup?
Did I place babies in the womb above whales and dolphins?
Did I not trust in Government to solve all of my problems?
Was I uncharitable by not not wishing that the rich were taxed more?
Did I not curse vouchers for sucking the lifes-breath out of our awesome public schools system?
Did I think that males and females are fundamentally different and not interchangeable?
Did I not say amen after a Hollywood celebrity pontificated?
Did I think that George W. Bush was actually legally elected President?
Have I not felt guilty for what a distant relative might have done today?
Do I miss the fair and balanced reporting of Bryant Gumbel?
Did I not think that Rush Limbaugh and talk radio is the scourge of humanity?
Did I rely on reason and not emotion to come to an opinion?

(from F. R.)

Some British humour

2006-01-11T17:18:00.000-05:00

Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died.

Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died.

In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry... please warn the Pope!!

(from E. D.)

Acts 2:38 - a joke

2006-01-10T15:30:00.000-05:00

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!"

(from Dr. W)

To all the "mothers" in your life

2006-01-05T14:24:00.000-05:00

Somebody said it takes about 6 weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby...
Somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, "normal" is history.

Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct...
Somebody never took a 3-year-old shopping.

Somebody said being a mother is boring...
Somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.

Somebody said good mothers never raise their voices...
Somebody never came out the back door just in time to see her child hit a golf ball through the neighbor's kitchen window.

Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother...
Somebody never helped a 4th grader with his math.

Somebody said you can't love the 5th child as much as you love the first...
Somebody doesn't have 5 children.

Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in the books...
Somebody never had a child stuff beans up his nose or in his ears.

Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery...
Somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for the 1st day of kindergarten, or on a plane headed for military boot camp.

Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back...
Somebody never organized 7 giggling Brownies to sell cookies.

Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married...
Somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son- or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.

Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home...
Somebody never had grandchildren.

Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her...
Somebody isn't a mother.

(from C. R.)

Dinner and a Movie

2006-01-04T18:14:00.000-05:00

After 21 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, "I love you, but I know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you." The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my mother, who had been a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my 3 children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally.

That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie. "What's wrong, are you well?" she asked. My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a late night call or surprise invitation is a sign of bad news. "I thought that it would be pleasant to spend some time with you," I responded. "Just the two of us." She thought about it for a moment, and then said, "I would like that very much."

That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous.When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous about our date. She waited in the door with her coat on. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last wedding anniversary. She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an Angel's. "I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed," she said, as she got into the car. "They can't wait to hear about our meeting." We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print. Half way through the entries, I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips. "It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small," she said. "Then it's time that you relax and let me return the favor," I responded.

During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation-- nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of each other's life. We talked so much that we missed the movie. As we arrived at her house later, she said, "I'll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you." I agreed. "How was your dinner date?" Asked my wife when I got home. "Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined," I answered.

A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn't have a chance to do anything for her. Some time later, I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place where mother and I had dined. An attached note said: "I paid this bill in advance. I wasn't sure that I could be there; but nevertheless I paid for two plates -- one for you and the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant for me. I love you, son." At that moment, I understood the importance of saying in time: "I love you," and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve. Nothing in life is more important than your family. Give them the time they deserve, because these things cannot be put off till "some other time."

(from C. R.)

PSYCHIATRISTS' CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR EVERY DIAGNOSIS

2005-12-29T16:48:00.000-05:00

Schizoprenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are
Dementia --- I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
Narcissistic --- Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me
Manic --- Deck The Hall and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and.........
Paranoid --- Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me
Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts Of Roasting On An Open Fire
Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
Obessive Complusive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
ADHD -- Hark the herald angels sing ba-rum-pa-pum-pum in the little town of Bethlehem up on the housetop in a winter wonderland one foggy Christmas Eve hey how bout them Bears no I don't want to switch to Sprint but thank you for shopping at K-Mart.

(from C. R.)

Puppies for sale

2005-12-28T17:25:00.000-05:00

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of a little boy.
"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."
"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat of the back of his neck, "these puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."
The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer.
"I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"
"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. "Here,Dolly!" he called. Out from the dog house and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur. The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the dog house. Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up....
"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt.
The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."
With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe. Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."
With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.
"How much?" asked the little boy.
"No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."

(from B. R.)

Brain Cramps

2005-12-20T18:00:00.000-05:00

On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995. Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."--Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Feeling smarter yet?

(from Dr. W)