Tuesday, June 24, 2008

20 Ways to Maintain Your Mental Health

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Smuggling Drugs".

7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-thru order is "To go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work are and play tropical sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name "Rock Bottom".

17. When money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling "Run for your lives! They're loose!"

19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy and gas prices, we are going to have to let one of you go."

20. Send this to someone else to make them smile. It's called therapy.

(from F. R.)

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Watch Your Language

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we startedcussing.'
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell'and you say something with 'ass'.'
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants forbreakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'
WHACK! He flies out of the chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs, crying his eyes out as his mother is in hot pursuit, slapping his rear at every step.
Mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can just stay there until Ilet you out!'
She comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks, in a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breafast, young man?'
'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios.'

(from M. K. R.)

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

The 36 Rules of Life

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved it's full potential, that word would be "meetings."
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment
35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.
36. Your friends love you anyway.

(from F. R.)

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Bottle of Wine - Evil Drives a Mini-van

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers; the woman says, 'So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days'.

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God! But your still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cork back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police....'

MORAL OF THE STORY:Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with us.

(from R. I.)

Friday, November 09, 2007

SCHOOL 1977 vs. SCHOOL 2007

Scenario: Jack goes duck hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1977- Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.

2007 - School goes into lockdown, the Feds and ATF are called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1977- Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2007- Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra district funding because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1977- Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.

1977 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is ex pelled from school for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high-school English.

1977- Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Lawyers file class action lawsuit against the public school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing law ns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover 4th of July firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1977- Ants die.

2007 - FBI are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. They investigate his parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1977- Johnny soon feels better and goes bac k to p laying.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.

(from Dr. L)

Thursday, October 11, 2007

2007 Nobel Prize in Literature Winner

"that epicist of the female experience, who with scepticism, fire and visionary power has subjected a divided civilisation to scrutiny"

Doris Lessing
United Kingdom

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

2007 Nobel Prize in Chemistry Winner

"for his studies of chemical processes on solid surfaces"

Gerhard Ertl
Fritz-Haber-Institut der Max-Planck-Gesellschaft
Berlin, Germany