Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Is That You?

St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the PearlyGates: "For Service Ring Bell." Away he goes; he barely gets started when BING! the bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one'sthere. St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell rings again. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. A little annoyed, St. Peter goes back to work. Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back; again, no one's there. "Okay, that's it," St. Peter says. "I'm going to hide and watch to see what's going on." So St. Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old man walks up and rings the bell. St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringingthe bell?" "Yes, that's me," the little old man says. "Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St. Peter asks. "They keep resuscitating me," he replies.

(from C. R.)

Monday, November 14, 2005

Waiting in Long Checkout Lines

Reasons I'd like to thank Wal-Mart, Kmart, Target, and my local grocer for having twenty-five checkout lanes and only three open at any given time: Waiting in long lines keeps my domestic brain from going completely idle-- there's so much to learn! Did you know they now sell primed faux wood moldings for the home? I hate to prime. I don't mind striking up conversations with perfect strangers though. One lady told me which DMV office had the shortest wait and officers who actually smile. Another trapped customer gave me her great-grandmother's secret pickling recipe. I also learned to be grateful I don't live next door to the snot-nosed whiny child hanging upside down from the shopping cart in front of me; how many calories are in a Tic Tac; items once marketed as "Only available through this exclusive TV offer!" eventually make it to the store in a box marked, "As seen on TV"; and that Oprah was abducted by aliens who also share an affinity for jersey sheets and private chefs. Which reminds me of other reasons I don't mind waiting in long checkout lines: I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any. I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get the thirteen things on my list I forgot. I can be one of those annoying cell phone users and catch up on all my phone calls to my insurance agent, mother-in-law, and Auntie Babe. I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drive home. I can assess what other people have in their carts and get exciting new dinner ideas. I can finally apply my top coat of nail polish with plenty of drying time. I can run next door and pick up my dry cleaning. I can update my coupon organizer and leave the trash in the we-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of my purse. I can clean out my purse and leave the trash in the we-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of my car. I can practice my standup comedy routines on unsuspecting fellow customers. I can practice some standing yoga poses and then do those isometric muscle-contracting exercises no one else in line is supposed to know you're doing. I can taste test my package of the newest low-carb, zero-transfat, Splenda-saturated cookies. I can breathe heavily on my T-bones so they're defrosted in time for dinner and I won't have to leave them out on the driveway in the hot late afternoon sun as I normally do. I can scribble notes for next week's column on the box of sugar bomb cereal -- maybe something about the merits of grocery delivery.

(from C. R.)

Thursday, November 10, 2005

On Happiness

The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absense but in the mastery of his passions. --- Alfred Lord Tennyson

Happiness is that state of consciousness which proceeds from the achievement of one's values. --- Ayn Rand

The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet. --- James Oppenheim

Remember that happiness is a way of travel - not a destination. --- Roy M. Goodman

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. --- Oscar Levant

Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities. --- Aldous Huxley

There is an alchemy in sorrow. It can be transmuted into wisdom, which, if it does not bring joy, can yet bring happiness. --- Pearl Buck

The secret of happiness is not in what one likes to do, but in what one has to do. --- James M. Barrie

Happiness is different from pleasure. Happiness has something to do with struggling and enduring and accomplishing. --- George Sheeham

Happiness is as a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyong our grasp, but which if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you. --- Nathaniel Hawthorne

Monday, November 07, 2005

The Big Question - Where To Retire

When we hit retirement age we come face to face with the fact that it may be time to relocate. The big question is: where to? Here are some tips.

You can live in Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. :-)
2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel.
3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads.
7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cellphone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature".
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from ' round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You remind your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and five neighborhood children think you are calling them.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never meet any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the sameday.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

AND You can live in Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses andcars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

(from C. R.)

Friday, November 04, 2005

Scout Vision

An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The wily old general sends for his trusty Indian scout. "You must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here. "The trusty Indian scout lies down and puts his ear to the ground. "Heap large war party," he says, "maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, twoon black stallions, two on white stallions. All have war paint. Many many guns. Medicine man also with them." "Good grief!" exclaims the general. "You can tell all of that justbylistening to the ground?" "No," replies the Indian, "I can see under the gate."

(from C. R.)

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Kids in Church II

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister When I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand and yell, than to sit and listen."

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. The Flight to Egypt, was his reply. Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus, But who is the fourth person? Oh, that's Pontius- the pilot."

A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"

Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked."

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better, isn't he?"

(from C. R.)

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing" we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

(from Dr. W)

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

(from C. R.)