Thursday, August 31, 2006

ABC's of Economics

A is for Assets
B is for Budget
C is for Capital
D is for Demand
E is for Elasticity
F is for Flotation
G is for GNP
H is for Hedge
I is for Inflation
J is for J-curve
K is for Keynesian
L is for Labour
M is for Monopoly
N is for NPV
O is for Output
P is for Price
Q is for Quota
R is for Risk
S is for Supply
T is for Trade
U is for Utility
V is for Value
W is for Wages
X is for X-efficiency
Y is for Yield
Z is for Zero-sum Game

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

The Sound of Silence

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech. ~Martin Fraquhar Tupper

Silence is golden when you can't think of a good answer. ~Muhammad Ali

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence. ~Publilius Syrus

Silence is a text easy to misread. ~A. A. Attanasio

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. ~Abraham Lincoln

Silence is more musical than any song. ~Christina Rossetti

The most profound statements are often said in silence. ~Lynn Johnston

A good word is an easy obligation; but not to speak ill, requires only our silence, which costs nothing. ~John Tillotson

In the end we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

In silence man can most readily preserve his integrity. ~Meister Eckhart

It is a great thing to know the season for speech and the season for silence. ~Seneca

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Things to remember about traveling...

He who would travel happily must travel light. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

No one traveling on a business trip would be missed if he failed to arrive. ~Thorstein Veblen

Traveling is only glamorous in retrospect. ~Paul Theroux

A man travels the world in search of what he needs and returns home to find it. ~George Moore

Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything. ~Charles Kuralt

The true traveler is he who goes on foot, and even then, he sits down a lot of the time. ~Colette

When you travel, remember that a foreign country is not designed to make you comfortable. It is designed to make its own people comfortable. ~Clifton Fadiman

The saying "Getting there is half the fun" became obsolete with the advent of commercial airlines. ~Henry J. Tillman

Monday, August 21, 2006

Fallen Heros

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning, Pastor," the boy replied, still focused on the plaque. Then he asked, "Pastor, what is this?"

The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked:"Which service: the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

(from Dr. W)

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Life is...

Life is like playing a violin in public and learing the instrument as one goes on. ~Samuel Butler

Life is something everyone should try at least once. ~Henry J. Tillman

Life is a foreign language; all men mispronounce it. ~Christopher Morley

Life is something that happens when you can't sleep. ~Fran Lebowitz

Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act. ~Truman Capote

Life is a zoo in a jungle. ~Peter De Vries

Life is just a mirror, and what you see out there, you must first see inside of you. ~Wally Amos

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome. ~Issac Asimov

Life is a fatal complaint, and an eminently contagious one. ~Oliver Wendell Holmes

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

How To Install A Home Security System In The South

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and your NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

(from Dr. W)

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Jizai okimono

Monday, August 14, 2006

God's Paintbrush at Work

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Satan's Sister

Just minutes before the church services started the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't" said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony forever?"
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 45 years."

(from C. R.)

Monday, August 07, 2006

Green Garden Grass Snakes

Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants, and during a cold snap, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants, and when it warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. Her husband, who was getting dressed after a shower, ran out into the living room in his boxer shorts to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in and loaded him on a stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa.The emergency medical technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he wound up in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking around under the sofa. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was again called, and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went into the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken brawl had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Just then the snake crawled out from under the sofa. One of the policeman drew his revolver and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of an end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered, and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who, startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid hitting the dog and smashed into the parked police car, setting it on fire. Meanwhile, the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was ablaze. Neighbors had called the fire department, and the arriving fire truck had started raising its ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and caused the electricity to go out, and also disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area. Time passed... Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was rebuilt, the police acquired a new police car, and all was right with the world once again.

About a year later, the couple was watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

She shot him.

(from F. R.)

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Martha vs. Maxine

*Martha's Way*
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

*Maxine's Way *
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!

*Martha's Way*
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

*Maxine's Way *
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix, keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

*Martha's Way*
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

*Maxine's Way *
Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.

*Martha's Way*
If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."

*Maxine's Way *
If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"

*Martha's Way*
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

*Maxine's Way *
Celery? Never heard of it!

*Martha's Way*
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

*Maxine's Way *
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.

*Martha's Way*
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away!

*Maxine's Way *
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

*Martha's Way*
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

*Maxine's Way *
Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

*Martha's Way*
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

*Maxine's Way *
Leftover wine??????????? HELLO !!!!!!!

(from F. R.)