A Horse Funny

Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and sure enough the blessed horse came in first!

Charlie followed the priest before the next race, and again he went to the stables and performed a similar procedure. Charlie played a hunch and put a couple of dollars on the blessed horse. Sure enough, the blessed horse came in by two lengths, and Charlie won close to fifty bucks!

The priest continued the same procedure through the next few races, and Charlie won each time. He was now ahead $1,000, so between races Charlie left the track and went to the bank and withdrew his life's savings, $20,000.

The biggest race of the day was the last one. Charlie followed the priest and watched carefully which horse he blessed. He then went to the betting window and put his whole $21,000 bundle of cash on that horse to win.

Then Charlie went out to watch the horses race. Down the stretch they came, and as they crossed the finish line, the horse Charlie's fortune was bet on was dead last!

Charlie was crushed. He located the priest and told him that he had been watching him bless the horses all day, and they all became winners except the last horse on which he had bet his life savings. Charlie then asked, "What happened to the last horse that you blessed? Why didn't it win like the others?"

"That's the trouble with you Protestants," sighed the priest. "You can never tell the difference between a blessing and the last rites."

(from F. R.)

Just in Vermont

The owner of a golf course in Vermont was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Vermont, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings." You gotta love them women from Vermont.
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A group of Vermont friends went deer hunting and paired off in two's for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Bob?" the others asked. "Bob had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Bob laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Bob!
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Regarding the year 2000, a senior at University of Vermont was overheard saying "when the end of the world comes, I hope to be in "Vermont." When asked why, he stated that everything happens here 20 years later than the rest of the civilized world.
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The young Vermont man came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Elmer, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Elmer replied, "Did you see who it was?" The young fella answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
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A Vermont State trooper pulled over a pickup on Rt. 100. The trooper asked, "Got any ID? "The driver replied, "Bout whut?

(from T. L.)

Are You Ready for Children?

Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

( from O. B.)