Moses

Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President George W. Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?" The man never answered but just kept staring straight ahead. Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the President. Bush pulled a Secret Service agent aside and pointing to the robed man asked him, "Doesn't that man look like Moses to you?" The Secret Service agent agreed. "Well," said the President, "every time I say his name, he just keeps staring straight ahead and refuses to speak. Watch!" Again the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man stared ahead and didn't answer. The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?" The man leaned over and whispered back, "Yes, I am Moses. However, the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert, and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East where there is no oil."

(from Dr. W)

Deck of Cards

It was quiet that day, the guns and the mortars, and land mines for some reason hadn't been heard. The young soldier knew it was Sunday, the holiest day of the week. As he was sitting there, he got out an old deck of cards and laid them out across his bunk.

Just then an army sergeant came in and said, "Why aren't you with the rest of the platoon?"

The soldier replied, "I thought I would stay behind and spend some time with the Lord."

The sergeant said, "Looks to me like you're going to play cards."

The soldier said, "No, sir. You see, since we are not allowed to have Bibles or other spiritual books in this country, I've decided to talk to the Lord by studying this deck of cards."

The sergeant asked in disbelief, "How will you do that?"

"You see the Ace, Sergeant? It reminds me that there is only one God. The Two represents the two parts of the Bible, Old and New Testaments. The Three represents the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost. The Four stands for the Four Gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. The Five is for the five virgins there were ten but only five of them were glorified. The Six is for the six days it took God to create the Heavens and Earth. The Seven is for the day God rested after making His Creation. The Eight is for the family of Noah and his wife, their three sons and their wives - the eight people God spared from the flood that destroyed the Earth. The Nine is for the lepers that Jesus cleansed of leprosy. He cleansed ten, but nine never thanked Him. The Ten represents the Ten Commandments that God handed down to Moses on tablets made of stone. The Jack is a reminder of Satan, one of God's first angels, but he got kicked out of heaven for his sly and wicked ways and is now the joker of eternal hell. The Queen stands for the Virgin Mary. The King stands for Jesus, for he is the King of all kings. When I count the dots on all the cards, I come up with 365 total, one for every day of the year. There are a total of 52 cards in a deck; each is a week - 52 weeks in a year. The four suits represent the four seasons: Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter. Each suit has thirteen cards - there are exactly thirteen weeks in a quarter. So when I want to talk to God and thank Him, I just pull out this old deck of cards and they remind me of all that I have to be thankful for."

The sergeant just stood there. After a minute, with tears in his eyes and pain in his heart, he said, "Soldier, can I borrow that deck of cards?"

(from B. R.)

Things to Do in an Elevator

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap him on theshoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and goback for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrongones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they knowwhat floor you're on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for a friend. After awhile, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream,"That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask ifhe has an appointment.

9) Lay down the Twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask him if hecan hear ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency proceduresand exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing him occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don'tpanic, they open again!"

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shutup, all of you, just shut up!"

18) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask,"Got enough air in there?"

19) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,without getting off.

20) Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce in horror,"You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

21) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the otherpassengers.

22) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

23) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

24) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce,"I have new socks on."

25) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to theother passengers, "This is MY personal space!"

(from C. R.)

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE = this is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES = If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING = This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine".

GO AHEAD = This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH = This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

THAT'S OKAY = This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS = A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome. Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology!And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh! Oh, and before we forget...

WHATEVER = ...it's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

(from E. D.)

A couple of jokes for your Monday

Four little animals

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says." The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals wouldthat be?" The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

Blonde Joke

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the restof the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

(from Dr. W)

Dying to Self

When you are forgotten, or neglected, or purposely set at naught, and you don't sting and hurt with the insult or the oversight, but your heart is happy, being counted worthy to suffer for Christ, that is dying to self.

When your good is evil spoken of, when your wishes are crossed, your advice disregarded, your opinions ridiculed, and you refuse to let anger rise in your heart, or even defend yourself, but take it all in patient loving silence, that is dying to self.

When you lovingly and patiently bear any disorder, any irregularity, any impunctuality, or any annoyance; when you can stand face to face with waste, folly, extravagance, spiritual insensibility, and endure it as Jesus endured it, that is dying to self.

When you are content with any food, any offering, any raiment, any climate, any society, any solitude, any interruption by the will of God, that is dying to self.

When you never care to refer to yourself in conversation, or to record your own good works, or itch after commendation, when you can truly love to be unknown, that is dying to self.

When you can see your brother or sister prosper and have his or her needs met, and can honesty rejoice with him or her in spirit and feel no envy, nor question God, while your own needs are far greater and in desperate circumstances, that is dying to self.

When you can receive correction and reproof from one of less stature than yourself, and can humbly submit inwardly, finding no rebellion or resentment rising up within you heart, that is dying to self.

(from F. R.)

New Element Found

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Governmentium. Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 deputy neutrons, 75 assistant neutrons, and 224 deputy assistant neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no protons or electrons, it is inert. It can be detected, however, because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes a reaction to take 4 days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

(from C. R.)

God's Diet Plan

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live longand healthy lives.
And Satan created hamburger restaurants. And hamburger restaurants brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese.
And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter, and Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And Satan saw and said, "It is good ." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMOs....

(from F. R.)

One Nation, "Under God"

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher wasgoing to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.

TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.

TEACHER: Did you see God?

TOMMY: No.

TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there.He justdoesn't exist.


A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. Theteacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy: Tommy, do you see thetree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?

TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?

TOMMY: Yes

LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?

TOMMY: No

LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, shemust not have one!

(from F. R.)

21 Ways to be a good Democrat

1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand

2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. Nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean Communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV's.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make The Passion Of The Christ for financial gain only.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese Government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.

21. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.

(from Dr. W)

MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH

Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade named BOOK.
BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc. Here's how it works: BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, BOOKS with more information simply use more pages. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it. BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, though like other display devices it can become unusable if dropped overboard. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pin-points the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval. An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOK markers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK. You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS). Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave. Also, BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking. Look for a flood of new titles soon.

(from F. R.)

The Cat In The Hat.... On Aging

40 Years Difference:

1965: Long hair
2005: Longing for hair

1965: KEG
2005: EKG

1965: Acid rock
2005: Acid reflux

1965: Moving to Californiabecause it's cool
2005: Moving to Californiabecause it's warm

1973: Trying to look like Liz Taylor
2003: Trying NOT to look like Liz Taylor

1965: Seeds and stems
2005: Roughage

1965: Hoping for a BMW
2005: Hoping for a BM

1965: The Grateful Dead
2005: Dr. Kevorkian

1965: Going to a new, hip joint
2005: Receiving a new hip joint

1965: Rolling Stones
2005: Kidney Stones

1965: Passing the drivers' test
2005: Passing the vision test

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. Their bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. The CD was introduced the year they were born. They have always had an answering machine. They have always had cable. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane". They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is. McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers. They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Oh .... and remember:
"Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate."

(from Dr. W)

Points to Ponder

How can you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Did Adam and Eve have navels?
Does anyone ever vanish with a trace?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If Fed Ex and UPS merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?
If a mute child swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, "Quit while you're still ahead"?
If the Energizer Bunny atttacks someone, is it charged with battery?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Why are we afraid of falling? Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop?
Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Don't they all stop eventually?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
You know how most packages say "Open here." What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane with the same substance?
Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?

(from F. R.)

Cartoon Characters

Most cartoon characters remain frozen in time. Though they've been around for more than 50 years, the members of the Peanuts gang are in some unspecified elementary school holding pattern. But what if they had been allowed to age like the rest of us? With apologies to the late Charles Schulz:

Charlie Brown: Operates Good Grief Counseling Inc., which specializes in manic depressives and people who are just having a bad day. Moonlights as a pitching coach at high school and college levels. Married to Marcie. They have a roundheaded son who wears glasses.

Linus: Developer of Security Blanket Software, which is a hot item on the New York Stock Exchange. Worth millions but is actively involved in charitable causes, including the Great Pumpkin 5K Fun Run every Halloween. The only man who makes Bill Gates nervous.

Lucy: Serving her seventh term in Congress. On her third husband. Claims she hasn't thought about Schroeder in years, but the background music on her answering machine is Beethoven.

Schroeder: After years on the classical performing circuit, he runs a piano bar in Carmel, Calif. Won't let anybody lean on his piano.

Sally: Never quite got over being spurned by Linus. Has a cat named Sweet Babboo. Sells Mary Kay.

Peppermint Patty: Women's athletic director at a Midwest university. Her fashion credo: "Sandals go with everything."

Snoopy: In dog years, he'd be 350. What do you think would've happened to him? Linus has created an endowment at Daisy Hill Puppy Farm in Snoopy's memory.

(from C. R.)