PSYCHIATRISTS' CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR EVERY DIAGNOSIS

Schizoprenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are
Dementia --- I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
Narcissistic --- Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me
Manic --- Deck The Hall and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and.........
Paranoid --- Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me
Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts Of Roasting On An Open Fire
Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
Obessive Complusive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
ADHD -- Hark the herald angels sing ba-rum-pa-pum-pum in the little town of Bethlehem up on the housetop in a winter wonderland one foggy Christmas Eve hey how bout them Bears no I don't want to switch to Sprint but thank you for shopping at K-Mart.

(from C. R.)

Puppies for sale

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of a little boy.
"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."
"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat of the back of his neck, "these puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."
The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer.
"I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"
"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. "Here,Dolly!" he called. Out from the dog house and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur. The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the dog house. Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up....
"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt.
The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."
With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe. Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."
With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.
"How much?" asked the little boy.
"No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."

(from B. R.)

Brain Cramps

On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995. Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."--Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Feeling smarter yet?

(from Dr. W)

Ten Guidelines From God

Effective Immediately, please be aware that there are changes YOU need to make in YOUR life. These changes need to be completed in order that I may fulfill My promises to you to grant you peace, joy and happiness in this life. I apologize for any inconvenience, but after all that I am doing, this seems very little to ask of you. Please, follow these 10 guidelines:

1. QUIT WORRYING:
Life has dealt you a blow and all you do is sit and worry. Have you forgotten that I am here to take all your burdens and carry them for you? Or do you just enjoy fretting over every little thing that comes your way?
2. PUT IT ON THE LIST:
Something needs done or taken care of. Put it on the list. No, not YOUR list. Put it on MY to-do-list. Let ME be the one to take care of the problem. I can't help you until you turn it over to Me. And although My to-do-list is long, I am after all... God. I can take care of anything you put into My hands. In fact, if the truth were ever really known, I take care of a lot of things for you that you never even realize.
3. TRUST ME:
Once you've given your burdens to Me, quit trying to take them back. Trust in Me. Have the faith that I will take care of all your needs, your problems and your trials. Problems with the kids? Put them on My list. Problem with finances? Put it on My list. Problems with your emotional roller coaster? For My sake, put it on My list. I want to help you. All you have to do is ask.
4. LEAVE IT ALONE:
Don't wake up one morning and say, "Well, I'm feeling much stronger now, I thinkI can handle it from here." Why do you thinkyou are feeling stronger now? It's simple. You gave Me your burdens and I'm taking care of them. I also renew your strength and cover you in my peace. Don't you know that if I give you these problems back, you will be right back where you started?Leave them with Me and forget about them. Just let Me do my job.
5. TALK TO ME:
I want you to forget a lot of things. Forget what was making you crazy. Forget the worry and the fretting because you know I'm in control. But there's one thing I pray you never forget. Please, don't forget to talk to Me - OFTEN! I love YOU! I want to hear your voice. I want you to include Me in on the things going on in your life. I want to hear you talk about your friends and family. Prayer is simply you having a conversation with Me. I want to be your dearest friend.
6. HAVE FAITH:
I see a lot of things from up here that you can't see from where you are. Have faith in Me that I know what I'm doing. Trust Me; you wouldn't want the view from My eyes. I will continue to care for you, watch over you, and meet your needs. You only have to trust Me. Although I have a much bigger task than you, it seems as if you have so much trouble just doing your simple part. How hard can trust be?
7. SHARE:
You were taught to share when you were only two years old. When did you forget? That rule still applies. Share with those who areless fortunate than you. Share your joy withthose who need encouragement. Share your laughter with those who haven't heard any insuch a long time. Share your tears with thosewho have forgotten how to cry. Share your faithwith those who have none.
8. BE PATIENT:
I managed to fix it so in just one life time you could have so many diverse experiences. You grow from a child to an adult, have children, change jobs many times, learn many trades, travel to so many places, meet thousands of people, and experience so much. How canyou be so impatient then when it takes Me a little longer than you expect to handle something on My to-do-list? Trust in My timing, for My timing is perfect. Just because I created the entire universe inonly six days, everyone thinks I should always rush, rush, rush.
9. BE KIND:
Be kind to others, for I love them just as much as I love you. They may not dress like you, or talk like you, or live the same way you do, but I still love you all. Please tryto get along, for My sake. I created each of you different in some way. It would be too boring if you were all identical. Please, know I love each of your differences.
10. LOVE YOURSELF:
As much as I love you, how can you not love yourself? You were created by me for one reason only -- to be loved, and to love in return. I am a God of Love. Love Me. Love your neighbors. But also love yourself. It makes My heart ache when I see you so angry with yourself when things go wrong. You are very precious to me. Don't ever forget......

(from C. R.)

A Redneck Christmas Joke: The Three Wise Men

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behindthe counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees, never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

(Dr. W)

A guy named Homer

Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He satdown next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was now on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Homer said, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Homer placed 20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her 20 dollars to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Homer took the money.

(from Dr. W)

YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN FLORIDA WHEN....

Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can assemble a portable generator by candlelight.

You have FEMA's number on your speed dialer.

You have more than 300 'C' and 'D' batteries in your kitchen drawer.

Your pantry contains more than 20 cans of Spaghetti Os.

You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner's insurance policy, especially HURRICANE DEDUCTIBLES.

You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood coveringyour windows.

When describing your gutted house to a prospective buyer, you say it has three bedrooms, two baths and an open air feel to it.

Your SSN isn't a secret, it's written in Sharpie on your arms.

You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.

You are delighted to pay $3 for a gallon of regular unleaded.

The road leading to your house has been declared a No-Wake Zone.

You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the pool.

You own more than four large coolers.

You rationalize helping a friend board up by thinking "It'll only take a gallon of gas to get there and back."

You catch a 13-pound redfish - in your house.

You consider a "vacation" to stunning Tupelo, Mississippi.

At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest chainsaw.

You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work at the Weather Channel.

Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.

Ice is a valid topic of conversation.

Your "drive-thru" meal consists of MREs and bottled water.

Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.

You've been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, fence builder and/or a tree worker.

A battery powered TV is considered a home entertainment center.

You don't worry about relatives wanting to visit during the summer.

Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily mean it's Christmas.

You know the difference between the "good side" of a storm and the"bad side."

Your kids start school in August and finish in July.

You go to work early and stay late just to enjoy the air conditioning.

(from Dr. L)

The Inheritance

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, Charles decided he needed a woman with whom to enjoy the wealth. So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. He approached her and said, “I may look like just an ordinary man, but in a week or two my father will die and I’ll inherit thirty million dollars.”

The woman went home with Charles that evening, and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

(from G. H.)