You might be a Redneck if...

1. It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God."
2. You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
3. You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival".
4. You remove your hat and bow your head when anyone prays.
5. You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play our National Anthem.
6. You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.
7. You've never burned an American flag, but would kick someone's BUTT that did.
8. You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.
9 You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.
10. You'd give your last dollar to a friend.

(from Dr. L)

Travel Agent

I have been a Travel Agent in Washington for thirty years, and I believe I have an answer as to why this country is in trouble! Consider these examples:

I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained,"Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response, (click).

A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that in Orlando it is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!"

I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."

An aide for a Bush (41) cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a.m. and got into Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that is very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I 'looked into it' (I was actually laughing)I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL, in a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!"

A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations. "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was one of those big animals!" she said.

Now you know why the government is in this shape it is in.

(from C. R.)

A Puzzled Blonde

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then...", he sighed, "Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."

THE AIR-CONDITIONING CURSE

"(Thomas) Jefferson believed that 'no man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session,' so he wisely insisted that the capital be built in malarial swampland. Consequently, the seat of the government remained empty for nearly half the year. Today, thanks in part to the unintended consequences of air-conditioning, we have permanent government of career politicians, a thing the founders never intended and which sees no natural boundary to its authority."

- Columnist Jonah Goldberg

PCSD Examination of Conscience

The following is an examination of conscience for those struck with PSCD (Politically Correct Stress Disorder):

Was the chicken I ate a free range chicken or was it one raised in captivity?
Was the coffee I drank non fair-trade coffee?
Did I adequately reflect that I was living in a nation stolen from the Indians and built on the backs of slaves today?
How large did the ozone hole get when I cranked up my air-conditioning?
How many nonrenewable resources have I recently gone through?
Have I committed a mortal sin by driving a car with an internal combustion engine?
Did I think that Western Civilization was actually a good thing?
Did I condemn or think that same sex marriages were not beneficial?
Did I not repeat the mantra of choice, choice, choice over and over again?
Did I have the audacity to use a Styrofoam cup?
Did I place babies in the womb above whales and dolphins?
Did I not trust in Government to solve all of my problems?
Was I uncharitable by not not wishing that the rich were taxed more?
Did I not curse vouchers for sucking the lifes-breath out of our awesome public schools system?
Did I think that males and females are fundamentally different and not interchangeable?
Did I not say amen after a Hollywood celebrity pontificated?
Did I think that George W. Bush was actually legally elected President?
Have I not felt guilty for what a distant relative might have done today?
Do I miss the fair and balanced reporting of Bryant Gumbel?
Did I not think that Rush Limbaugh and talk radio is the scourge of humanity?
Did I rely on reason and not emotion to come to an opinion?

(from F. R.)

Some British humour

Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died.

Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died.

In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry... please warn the Pope!!

(from E. D.)

Acts 2:38 - a joke

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!"

(from Dr. W)

To all the "mothers" in your life

Somebody said it takes about 6 weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby...
Somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, "normal" is history.

Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct...
Somebody never took a 3-year-old shopping.

Somebody said being a mother is boring...
Somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.

Somebody said good mothers never raise their voices...
Somebody never came out the back door just in time to see her child hit a golf ball through the neighbor's kitchen window.

Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother...
Somebody never helped a 4th grader with his math.

Somebody said you can't love the 5th child as much as you love the first...
Somebody doesn't have 5 children.

Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in the books...
Somebody never had a child stuff beans up his nose or in his ears.

Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery...
Somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for the 1st day of kindergarten, or on a plane headed for military boot camp.

Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back...
Somebody never organized 7 giggling Brownies to sell cookies.

Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married...
Somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son- or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.

Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home...
Somebody never had grandchildren.

Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her...
Somebody isn't a mother.

(from C. R.)

Dinner and a Movie

After 21 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, "I love you, but I know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you." The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my mother, who had been a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my 3 children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally.

That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie. "What's wrong, are you well?" she asked. My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a late night call or surprise invitation is a sign of bad news. "I thought that it would be pleasant to spend some time with you," I responded. "Just the two of us." She thought about it for a moment, and then said, "I would like that very much."

That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous.When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous about our date. She waited in the door with her coat on. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last wedding anniversary. She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an Angel's. "I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed," she said, as she got into the car. "They can't wait to hear about our meeting." We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print. Half way through the entries, I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips. "It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small," she said. "Then it's time that you relax and let me return the favor," I responded.

During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation-- nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of each other's life. We talked so much that we missed the movie. As we arrived at her house later, she said, "I'll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you." I agreed. "How was your dinner date?" Asked my wife when I got home. "Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined," I answered.

A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn't have a chance to do anything for her. Some time later, I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place where mother and I had dined. An attached note said: "I paid this bill in advance. I wasn't sure that I could be there; but nevertheless I paid for two plates -- one for you and the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant for me. I love you, son." At that moment, I understood the importance of saying in time: "I love you," and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve. Nothing in life is more important than your family. Give them the time they deserve, because these things cannot be put off till "some other time."

(from C. R.)