Southerners

One morning, three Southerners and three Yankees were in a ticket counter line at a train station. The three Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the three Southerners bought just one ticket."How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the Yankees."Watch and learn," answered one of the boys from the South.All six boarded the train where the three Yankees sat down, but the three Southerners crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, "Ticket, please.The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment, the three Southerners didn't buy even one ticket."How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked a perplexed Yankee."Watch and learn," answered the three Southern boys in unison. When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into a toilet and the three Southerners crammed into another toilet just down the way.Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Yankees were hiding.The Southerner knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees ever won the war!

(from Dr. L)

HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT

HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT

in January 2009

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has waited so long..........

The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears..
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

(from C. R.)

A Touching Story

A man was on vacation in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot. As carefully and as gently as he could he removed the thorn and the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the events of that day. One day the man was walking through the zoo with his son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. It stared at him and the man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him. The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, gently reached down with its trunk, picked the man up and slammed him to the ground killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.

(from R. I.)

To Those I Love

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour?" She would gas up and stammer, "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain." And my personal favorite: "It's Monday." She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to," "I plan on," and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit."

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.

Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to......not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow." And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say "Hi"?

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift...Thrown away... Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.

(from C. R.)

LEARNING CHINESE... READ THEM OUT LOUD

That's not right. = Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive? = Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP. = Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man = Dum Gai

Small Horse = Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? = Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table. = Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face-lift. = Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here. = Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet. = Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone. = No Pah King

You are not very bright. = Yu So Dum

I got this for free = Ai No Pei

Please stay a while longer. = Wai Go Nao?

They have arrived. = Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight. = Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile. = Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive. = Yu Stin Ki Pu

Our meeting was scheduled for next week. = Wai Yu Kum Nao?

Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? = Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

(from F. R.)

Discrimination Lawsuit

An atheist was quite incensed over the preparation for Easter andPassover holidays and decided to contact the local ACLU about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while the atheists had no holidays for them to celebrate. The ACLU jumped on the opportunity to once again pick up the cause of the downtrodden and assigned their sharpest attorney to the case. The case was brought up before a learned judge who, after listening to the passionate presentation by the ACLU representative, promptly banged his gavel and said, "Case dismissed!" The ACLU lawyer stood up and objected to the ruling and said, "Your honor, how can you dismiss this case? Surely the Christians have Christmas, Easter, and many other observances. And the Jews--why, in addition to Passover, they have Yom Kippur and Hanukkah ... and yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!" The judge leaned back in his chair and simply said, "Obviously your client is too confused to know about or for that matter even celebrate the atheists' holiday!" The ACLU lawyer pompously said, "We are aware of no such holiday for atheists--just when might that be?" The judge said "Well, it comes every year at the same time--April 1st!"

(from C. R.)

Donald MacDonald

I heard a story recently about a student named Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (in Scotland) who was admitted into the prestigious OxfordUniversity and was living in the hall of residence in his first year there. His clan was so excited that one of their own had made it into the upper class of education, but they were concerned how he would do in "that strange land." After the first month, his mother came to visit. "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. "Mother," he replied in his thick brogue, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and he won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night." "Oh, Donald! How do you manage to put up with those awful noisy English neighbors?" "Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes..."

(from C. R.)

Other outlooks

A Texan, a guy from Massachusetts, and a Mainer are riding horses out on the range...

The Texan, just to show off, pulls an expensive bottle of whiskey out of his saddlebag, takes a couple drinks, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it in mid-air. The guy from Massachusetts is shocked and asks, "What are you doing? That's a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!" The Texan replies, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap!"

A little while later, not wanting to be outdone, the guy from Massachusetts pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle into air, pulls out his gun and shoots it, just like the Texan.

The guy from Maine can't believe it. "What are you doing? That was a very expensive bottle of champagne. With a wink to the Texan he says "In Boston, there's plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap."

About 15 minutes later, the Mainer pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it and takes a sip. Then another sip. Then he chugs the rest of the bottle.

Then he places the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun and shoots the guy from Massachusetts.

The Texan is visibly shaken.

"What did you do that for?!?!" The Mainer replies, "Well, in Maine, we have plenty of people from Massachusetts, and bottles are returnable.

(from C. R.)